If you read this post you will know that last September I was officially diagnosed with IBS after years of tummy trouble. Ten months on I’m still sussing out how to deal with my angry bowels and fragile stomach. Some days things work out, some days they don’t and I find myself spending most of my time in the WC. Lovely I know.
IBS is pretty rubbish but hey, it could be much, much worse. So in the spirit of positive thinking I decided to put a post together detailing 16 things that all IBS sufferers can probably relate too.
1.0 Being absolutely terrified to eat out or at a house other than your own just incase your IBS decides to rear it’s ugly head. Everybody poops, we know, but there is quite literally nothing worse than getting serious cramps followed by a serious bowel movement in a bathroom you don’t feel comfortable in.
2.0 And if you do eat out? Well you study the menu online first to try and deduce what will please your digestive system the most and when you get there you immediately eyeball the toilets so you know where to go in case of emergency.
3.0 Having to seriously consider your outfits when you know there is the potential for an IBS attack. We went for pasta in Prague for my birthday meal and silly bollocks here decided it would be a good idea to wear a jumpsuit and eat a huge bowl of carbonara….Yes I had to use their facilities and yes, I RAN back to the hotel afterwards. What a way to ruin a birthday night out eh?
4.0 You try and try and try to avoid trigger foods but sometimes you just really want something naughty that you just know will set your tum off. At the time of entering in your mouth it was great but an hour later? You regret all of your life choices and wish you had access to a time turner so you could warn yourself of the misery that lies ahead.
5.0 When someone says ‘Oh well just avoid XXX then’ you want to punch them in the face. Yes you could avoid your triggers but sometimes it’s just not possible. For example: One of mine isn’t actually food related and it’s caused by eating late on an evening. Sometimes I will go to work then have to go run errands or Jody won’t be back til late so I will wait for him before cooking and OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, it’s 8 o clock and I have to risk it or else I starve. It’s not as easy as ‘just’ avoiding certain foods.
6.0 Eating something really delicious then getting a bit of a tummy twinge afterwards and thinking ‘oh no, not again’ only for it to pass, leaving you celebrating your victory. Jess 1 – Digestive system – 0.
7.0 When you have to run off to the toilet numerous times and someone goes ‘Seriously? Again?!’…I mean come on, do you want me to die from the pain in my stomach? Do YOU want to die when I strangle you over your insensitive comment? Better yet, do you want excrement all over your sofa? No didn’t think so, let me go to the toilet in peace or face the consequences.
8.0 Garlic is supposed to be one of the worst things for IBS sufferers but unfortunately, garlic = life so every now and again you are more than happy to play Russian roulette with the delicious, stinky bulb. (No? Just me willing to make that sacrifice?).
9.0 IBS is quite literally shit but if you ever need an excuse to get out of doing something, loose bowels tends to do the job as no one questions it. People really don’t like discussing bowel habits and will more than likely avoid asking any further questions. I’d rather not have it but it’s a pretty good get out of jail free card I guess.
10.0 The FODmap diet is an absolute minefield and just looking at the lists gives you a headache. As much as you try to adhere to it, sometimes you just get lost in it all and oops, here comes the stomach cramps.
11.0 Having to constantly unbutton your top button because your IBS ravaged digestive system has decided to bloat like a puffer fish, giving randomers the illusion that you are with child. Nope, just my bowel screaming and writhing around in agony, as you were.
12.0 Waking up in the middle of the night feeling like you are being gutted with a rusty spoon when in actual fact your stomach has decided it hates you.
13.0 Waking up in the middle of the night with such bad cramps you are worried you might shit yourself.
14.0 If you are a woman with IBS then you have definitely googled ‘IBS pains, labour/contraction pains?!’ to see how the two compare. If having IBS makes pushing a baby out of your hoo-hah that little bit easier then I guess it’s not all bad (although the jury is out on that one – Some people said they were similar, some did not).
15.0 Eating really, really well and adhering to the FODmap diet but still getting an IBS attack – Sometimes you just can’t win.
16.0 The worry that one day you might not make it to a toilet in time and you might actually go in the street, a la Maya Rudolph’s character in Bridesmaid.
Thanks for reading! If you suffer from IBS and have any tips please share them in the comments.
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